Let's Get Personal - Self Love

 Self Love - The ability to accept yourself as you are and being comfortable in your own skin. Something that I have struggled with for most of my life.

I can remember being a young child and marching to the beat of my own drum.  I would want to do things my way.  Wear what I wanted to wear.  I didn't worry about what others would think because I didn't have any cares.  I was free to be who I wanted when I wanted.  I know it frustrated my parents, but with a little encouragement they allowed me to be my true self.


As I grew up however my feelings toward this changed.  I thought that I needed to be more like my friends or the "cool" kids in my middle school.  I wanted to fit in and for them to accept me into their social circle.  I needed for them to recognize I was like them and for them to be happy about that. I soon came to realization that was a lot harder than I  anticipated.  Being on the outside gave me the ability to see that they were never as "cool" as I had first thought.  They made bad life choices even at a young age and their parents were not as involved as mine.


It made me wonder if my parents were being nosy or if they were trying to intrude on my life.  Always wanting to know what was happening, who my friends were and what we were involved in.  I rebelled and started making those same bad life choices, but in my case there were consequences and my parents became even more involved in my daily life.  I started pushing their buttons.  Making things a lot more difficult than they needed to be.  I didn't know who I was yet as a person and I wanted to be able to identify with a group of people.  This began my journey of wanting what the "cool" kids had - brand name clothing and shoes.  Having the latest fashion accessories.  Going to the mall all the time to make sure I knew what was hip and happening.


High school did not turn out the way I wanted it too.  The experience was far from the movie version where I would be the most popular, athletic, well dressed girl in the school.  I am a plus size young woman, I have a very small circle of friends and I can't play sports to save my life. Not fitting in was extremely overwhelming.  Not having a social circle to lean on threw me into a deep and very dark depression.  I was sucked under and was drowning in front of everyone, while they were to busy being self absorbed - or so I thought in my twisted thoughts.  At that point it never occurred to me they were going through the exact same transformation and self discovery. They just seem to put up a better facade than I did.  I felt alone in a room full of people with no way to explain myself to anyone.

I finally surrounded myself with positive like minded people and was able to see that I could find where I belonged and be my true self all at the same time.  It was not an easy task, but it was worth the long journey.  I wrote in a journal almost everyday, spilling my feelings, thoughts and future plans on to the paper.  I wrote no matter how dark or sad my mind set was. I knew that I had to find an outlet that would not judge or look down on me.  I wanted to find my slice of happiness.


I still have my moments of weakness, times when I don't like what I see in the mirror.  I tend to over analyze events in my life and that can cause me to question whether if I did something differently would I have been able to get what I wanted. I want to make everyone happy or to fix problems within my group of friends.  I am a nurturer by nature. I have learned over the years that these experiences and situations have shaped my into who I am today.  I know now what I want out of life and how I can obtain it.  Building strong relationships with people whom I hold very close to my heart have allowed me to gain the perspective I need to know I am enough.


Happiness is a choice.  It is always the better choice, even when it doesn't feel worth it.  Making sure to surround yourself with those who have your best interest at heart and will be honest with you in the tough times.  Be honest with yourself as well - you are alone with yourself at the end of the day. Loving yourself will in turn make it easier for someone else to love you.

Let me know your experiences with Self Love and if you have obtained it or the journey you are still on.

And as always Thank You for Reading!